It's been a very long while since i've updated here, so here goes...

I've hit a crossroads in my life. I've realised that i am no engineer, and that it isnt what i want to do for the rest of my life. No matter how i try to deny it, i've only been deceiving myself all this while...

i've already applied to NUS Business and Arts. All i can do is wait...and hope...

Now that NUS has placed me on medical leave, because they think i'm too unstable to continue the course (which was just as well...), i've left with nothing to do at all these days. Even my usual IDAS hobby is beginning to be boring as heck. I know there's something missing in my life, and no matter what i do now i don't think i can ever fill the void in my heart..

My mum is telling me to forget her and concentrate on my life. Easy for her to say, it's not as if i can just do that. Sometimes i envy PCs, one good format and they are a clean slate to start over. Everytime i see couples together with each other i'm reminded of what i lost, and it hurts. I wish Kuan Yu and Alvina well though, i can tell that they're happy with each other...

I miss her. Even 10 months after we broke up, i still miss her. Sometimes i wish i could just let it out and cry, but i find even that difficult to do. So this is love. It hurts. Like hell.

Question is where do i go from here? I'm 24 and i have nothing to show for in my life. I saw my old secondary school classmate in the newspaper some time back, he's the CEO of some bigass IT company that's raking in the millions. Compared to that, i feel like crap...

I have been doing alot of thinking, and sorting things out in my head....

I've seen too many of my friends disappear from my life, for various reasons or another. Is it just my fate, for things to be like this? First it was Brian, my friend from St Patrick's, the person whom i trusted very much. Only recently did i come to terms with what he did to cause the various rifts in my life, including the one which caused me to help fracture the local Battletech community. Maurice and Bryan will soon be going into NS, so where does that leave me? No one...As for Kuan Yu I dont want to burden him with my problems, he still has a bright future ahead of him. The funny thing is in a sense, i see abit of what i was at 16 in him....

Sometimes i sit up and think about Marisa, about our relationship, and wonder why things had to turn out like this. I now have to admit that 6 months later, some part of me still wishes that i was back together with her. Despite the differences we had, she was the only person whom i could remove the mask on my face and be totally comfortable. But now it's too late for regrets, and the only thing i have to remind myself of her are the Battletech miniatures on my shelf, especially her Blackhawk, as well as the memories i cherish. The wise old man who said that you dont miss anything until it's gone was totally right...

Because of this, now i'm afraid of getting close to anyone. I now realise that all this while, i've been searching for someone to replace Marisa in my heart but i ignored the most important thing: She is unique, noone can replace her. Some people would just say "Screw the entire dating scene and just go for the fun", but i disagree. I know it's a common thing among guys like me, where there is a much higher chance of people fooling around, but i dont want that. I want someone to be with, someone who i can trust and believe in for the long-term....

A lot of things has happened...

i know i havent been posting here for a long while, but some things in my life have happened. Things that are beyond my control.

For starters, i'm been feeling really down and miserable. Over school work, over my family, over alot of things. It reached a head when i ended up paying a visit to IHM out of sheer desperation. The doc there put me on a course of anti-depressants, but to describe their effects...Well...it's kind of hard. It's as though some part of my brain is switched off or something.

The only reason now i seem to be functioning normally to everyone else is due to the medication. But when the lights go out and out of sight of my friends...i feel as though a blackness has swallowed me. Words cannot describe my state of mind when it happens.

Is this the sign of someone going mad or insane? i dont know...i dont know anymore. I've applied for leave from NUS on medical grounds, it should be approved pretty soon. I need time to think about what life has become in general. Even trying out Battle Gear 4 doesnt seem to help. I somehow cannot find the fire, the passion that i had when i played IDAS. Even when i grabbed the Myogi course record for SG in BG4, i dont feel anything...

In short, if i finally lose it....please forgive me.

Pi Piru Pi Piru Pi!!!

Hahaha, school as usual is a drag. Now it's just rushing for deadlines after deadlines.

Been amusing myself with this new anime i just got. It's called Dokuro-Chan, about an angel from the future sent to kill a boy who will in the future, invent the technology to prevent aging (which results in all girls looking like 12-years old lollicons). The angel decides that she can change the course of history without killing him, and so lives with him.

Here's some screenies. Mind u, this is just from the 1st episode...

Schoolwork is such a pain...

Uni is turning out to be quite stressful. Poly life was a total piece of cake compared to this.

The C++ module is driving me up the wall. NUS ask us to us the Unix compiler for all the code we type, but it has this tendency to screw up ur coding in the process. Not to mention that it's based on the NUS server, and u need a bloody VPN connection to even debug ur code!! I'm asking my dad to find MS Visual C++ so i dont have to put up with this nonsense...

Speaking of IDAS, i had this guy come up to me in TBP, asking me to join his team. The fellow then went to tell a few people that i wanted to join his team. I am now so like "WTF MATE??!!" Only found out about it when mat_tappered asked me about it...

Oh well, time to get some shut-eye..

Tired from heck...

As expected i've been busy. Settling down into Uni life is proving to be quite a challenge.

For starters, 8am lecture really means starts at 8am, not like NP where it started at 8:15 or 8:30. Groan, so now i really have to drag myself out of bed at 5:30 to get to the bus stop by 6....

On another note, i've been accepted into the NUS FSAE, the ones that build a race car every year to compete. I'm still wondering why they need electrical engineers for, but i guess it'll be a very exciting experience.

Anyway, here's some photos from the orientation.



Some of the girls on the groups (Robina, the Kiwi gal is the one on the left)



Me after having to forfeit with a dustbin on my head



Dinner outing at Marina square.

Starting school...

Freshman orientation last week was quite a blast. Met quite a number of new friends, especially those from poly (their help will be very much needed...lol). Anyway, the orientation programme went to quite a number of places, including Sentosa. Brought back a few rather sad memories though, because the beach on Sentosa was the last place i brought Marisa to, before she flew off and left me for that guy...

Anyway, there was this girl from the OG who's from New Zealand, here to do Bioengineering. She's quite a charmer and (i admit) i kind of have a crush on her. But do i dare take the plunge? My heart is still aching from Marisa, can i bear it again?

In the meantime, KY has asked me to try and figure out how to read the HDD which i ripped out from his ruined iPod. It's some new and wierdass IDE format i've never seen before (which explains why the iPod is so bloody expensive).

IDAS and WMMT2? Not much happening, Bryan's R34 is now level 21, my R34 in WMMT2 has hit 300 outruns, and i managed to do a 2:20:808 on Hakone OB with the R34, set to 720BHP. Maybe i'll try and break the 2:20 barrier with my Evo VIII...

Got a few more games for my Xbox. One of them is Midnight Club III, which happens to look much better than the PSP version. quite a riot to play, especially the luxy sedans (The ability to plow thru traffic like bulldozer is rather sadistically entertaining)...lol